I recently turned 39 years old.
This age somehow seems both old and young: Old because I’ve had a bunch of interesting experiences; young because I’m less than half the age of other family members. As a way to personally reflect and have you also reflect, I’m going to share some ideas that seem important. I did not appreciate many of these ideas in previous decades, but now I see the power embedded in these ideas.
Ideas
Wisdom is important.
If you had told me this 20 years ago I would have agreed and moved on. However, life experiences — and reflecting on life experiences — has made me much more aware of the importance of wisdom. In my view, wisdom combines doing the right thing at the right time in right way; each of these three pieces beautifully fuse together, bringing the appropriate mindset and insights to each situation.
Unfortunately, I can think of a bunch of examples where I was unwise — either through doing the wrong thing, having the wrong timing, or using the wrong way. Of the three, timing has been the hardest part; I’m an intense human, so my tendency is to want the timing to be now. This works in some situations, but (many) others require a deeper understanding of the best time for an action or word in a situation.
I’ve also come to love and appreciate the ideas on wisdom found in the great works of literature and faith traditions, including my own faith in Christianity. The Bible is full of wisdom on every area of life, with a whole book (Proverbs) containing many sayings on wisdom. One of my favorites in Proverbs is this verse:
"A prudent [wise] person sees trouble coming and ducks; a simpleton walks in blindly and is clobbered.” — Proverbs 27:12 (The Message)
The word “clobbered” makes me chuckle every time I read this verse; I’ve certainly been clobbered by being a simpleton in a situation. Those situations have been very challenging, but I’ve learned many lessons and become more wise through the situations.
The world is made of complex and challenging systems.
There is a joke that physicists are the worst when entering a new field because they try to reduce the field to a simple model, then only solve for that model instead of considering the entire complex system.
As someone who majored in physics as an undergraduate, I’ve been guilty of being a living embodiment of the joke. I appreciated that objects could be modeled simply, plus the feeling of assurance when solving a problem. Interestingly, my career has actually been in education, teaching students about science and coaching soccer. This required a big shift in my thinking around systems because schools are sets of complex and challenging systems — all the way from individual students to federal policy!
I’ve come to appreciate both the complexity and challenge in systems. Complexity requires that we study the system, trying to figure out what drives changes in the system — from the (mostly) controllable inputs to the outputs, plus the stocks and flows that happen throughout the system. Challenge happens because most systems are not straightforward; there are many if-then statements (plus other craziness like chaos theory!) embedded in any system. By leaving simple thinking behind and embracing the complexity and challenge, I’ve become better at understanding and interacting with systems.
Bonding on the individual level happens in the interstitial moments.
“Interstitial” means “the space between,” so I think about the phrase “interstitial moments” as the “little times between the big times.”
We’ve all had big moments — weddings, funerals, graduations, sporting events, and many others — and these big moments are great! The are signposts for life milestones and times with friends and family, creating memories around which we orient our stories. We share those memories when we come together, developing a sense of belonging with our group.
As much as I enjoy the big moments, I’ve come to realize that the interstitial moments are where true bonding happens between individuals. When you are in the presence of someone else on a day-to-day basis, there are so many opportunities to connect with that person. Those small moments of connection create a beautiful foundation for bonding, building the relationship.
[An aside: I’ve tried to be much more intentional about putting away my phone and computer when I’m hanging out with my friends and family because of these interstitial moments. If I’m looking at my phone or computer, I miss many of the cues to connect with a person — which can damage the relationship. Although there are times when I do not want to connect for various reasons, I almost always feel better about connecting intentionally during the interstitial moments.]
Life has stages.
Again, if you had told me this 20 years ago I would have agreed and moved on. However, living through more stages has helped me appreciate the nuances in each stage.
Although the questions remain (mostly) the same in each stage, the answers to questions may change:
How is my faith embedded in every aspect of my life?
Is there alignment between what I say I believe with the way that I live?
What am I able to do, both mentally and physically?
Who are the most important relationships in my life — and how am I nurturing those relationships?
How am I finding joy, peace, and gratitude each day?
What is my response to challenges?
How am I keeping up with my keystone habits?
One of the biggest realizations is the importance of staying active and healthy. I was an athlete in high school and college, plus continued play adult-league sports in my 20s. I’ve always had an awareness of staying active, but I’ve started to see the effect of not being active — on my peers, those around the same age as my parents, and those in their 80s and 90s. Death comes for us all, but doing what I can with movement, sleep, and nutrition will make life more enjoyable for the next bunch of years.
Another realization is the importance of continuing to learn and grow. The learning-and-growing process gives purpose to the everyday activities; losing this purpose usually brings negative consequences. However, keeping purpose and connecting the purpose to everyday activities — even in a simple way — gives energy and enthusiasm for life.
Clarifying and aligning your values is important.
Going along with the ideas in the “Wisdom” section, clarifying and aligning your values is incredibly important.
I wrote “clarifying” first for a reason: Am I clear on what I value? Doing the work to clarify values through various assessments has been crucial to understanding myself, which then helps with doing the right thing in the right way at the right time. I’ve used several different assessments to understand that my highest value is “excellence,” which plays out in interesting ways. I also take the values from my Christian faith, embedding those into my life.
I also wrote “aligning” second for a reason: Is the way I live aligned with my values? This is a question that I ask myself everyday, especially since I claim to be a Christian (insert your faith / philosophical system). Also, I’m claiming that my highest value is “excellence” — am I living to that value everyday? Though these are challenging questions, asking and honestly answering them is key to living an integrated and authentic life.
Though there are many other ideas I’ve been thinking about, these are some big ones. I hope they’ve caused you to think as well; I would love to know your reflections on these or any other ideas!
Questions
When have you acted wisely? When have you acted unwisely? What was the difference between the two?
How are you thinking about the complexity and challenge in systems?
When are interstitial moments to bond with friends and family? Can you be intentional during those moments?
What stage of life are you in? How does that stage of life intersect with the other questions?
What are your values?
What is your faith / philosophical system?
How often are your values and faith / philosophical system aligned to the way you live?
What are you feeding yourself in order to bring beauty and excellence to the world? (What are you consuming and what are you creating?)
When you are angry, scared, or hurt, do you channel that energy into tearing down or building up?
Learning happens when we share what we are thinking, so I would love to hear your answers! Also, you can use these questions as conversations starters with friends and family — hearing their answers would be great!
If this essay resonated with you, please share on the socials and with someone who you think would also benefit; I would greatly appreciate any help in spreading these ideas!
Here is Belcher’s Model for Learning (For more information about the entire Model for Learning, see this essay: That’s How Learning Works?!?! A Comprehensive Model for Understanding the Learning Process.)
Have comments or questions about any part of this essay? Please reply and let me know — I respond to every email!
Want more information about learning? Check out The Principles of Learning course (the same information, with different levels of feedback):
Self-directed course — No feedback / all videos and readings / certificate of completion
Asynchronous course — Yes feedback (but not grades) / all videos and readings / certificate of completion
Graduate course through Fresno Pacific University — Graded feedback / all videos and readings / three hours of graduate credit upon completion
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